Blood Bowl fans around the world are still reeling from the news regarding the game's brightest star. Kalien Firestroke, the young Lion Warrior who lead this fall's season in touchdowns, lies dead at the age of one hundred and thirty-seven years. There are thousands of questions surrounding the tragedy, not the least of which is "Who is responsible?" Before we give ourselves over to speculation on this subject, let's take a look at Kalien's short but brilliant career.
Born in the year of 2361 to a family of rich jewel merchants, Kalien spent his early life sailing the high seas, searching for treasure and adventure, both of which he found in abundance. From Lustria to Cathay, he lived the life of a swashbuckler, ever taking greater risks for the family business and always reaping greater rewards. What made the young adventurer give up the trade routes and lace up his Blood Bowl cleats? The answer can be found in this clip from one of our early interviews with the late Herr Firestroke:
It all happened by accident, really. I was in Lothern, dropping off a shipment of Redeyes (star rubies, ed.), when I heard there was a match going on between a Dwarf team called "Jandar's Fist", and some new local team (the Eataine Excelsiors, ed.). Watching Dwarves try to do anything involving manual dexterity is always good for a laugh, so I grabbed a couple of mates from the ship and made my way to the stadium. Well, as it turned out, the Elf team was just as clumsy as the Dwarves. Just one look at them, stumbling around the field, and you knew they were really putting the "high" in High Elf. I mean these guys were wasted. They actually lost the game. I found out later that the star receiver for the team was previously arrested for robbing the Phoenix King's head porter. All in all, it sounded like these guys were having more fun than I was buccaneering, so I signed on as a replacement Lion Warrior. I mean, if these clowns can do it, how hard can it be?
Kalien was always openly contemptuous of his fellow teammates, sparking a series of rivalries that some say culminated in murder. For Kalien's first two games, Aenarion Snoweagle, the Excelsiors' original Phoenix Warrior, refused to acknowledge Firestroke's presence on the field, preferring to throw to nearly anyone else instead. Apparently, the brash young Lion Warrior had told Snoweagle that he had seen Lustrian apes throw coconuts with more grace. Aenarion was killed in Firestroke's second match by Chaos Dwarf thug Akim Stonefeet of the Zharr Naggrund Slave Drivers. After the match, Kalien strode up to the burly blocker and congratulated him.
Kalien Firestroke's career began in earnest when the Excelsiors hired Phaedrus Coldhand to replace the late Herr Snoweagle. Although Kalien treated the new Phoenix Warrior with no more respect than his predecessor, Phaedrus took a different attitude toward his antagonist:
Well, Kal would always tell me what a weak arm I had, that he was surprised I could even pick up the ball, stuff like that. So I just figured, if that's what he wants to believe, it's going to be his funeral. Every time I threw to him, I aimed for his head. He always made the catch.
The rest is Blood Bowl history. With Phaedrus and Kalien on the offensive lineup, the Excelsiors beat the Naggarond Nightwolves 4-1, and just kept getting stronger throughout the fall season. When the SPIKE! MAGAZINE tournament began in November, the High Elves boasted the best thrower and receiver in the league. During the placement games, the Excelsiors had a 5-0 win over Karnage Roolz, a 4-0 win over the Slave Drivers, and a brilliant overtime victory against the Bloodletters of Khorne. What eluded the High Elves however, was a win against their arch-rivals, the Skaven infection known as "The Stench".
So what happened in the SPIKE! semi-final? Just ask the 135,000 fans who packed the SPIKE! Coliseum in Magritta. In the words of one disappointed High Elf fan:
Well it's obvious to me that the Excelsiors still haven't conquered their drug problem. They played like a bunch of Halflings out there today. Sure there were injuries… I nearly cried when I saw them haul Phaedrus off in the first half… but I don't think we can blame today's loss on anything but the drugs. Let's face it, Phaedrus had plenty of opportunities to pass to Kalien, and didn't even try. It was pathetic. I want my money back!
Final score: 4-0 for the Stench, who, with no real competition left, went on to win the SPIKE! Trophy. There have been rumours circulating that the Excelsiors threw the game; they certainly recovered well for the second half of the game, after seeming to take a tremendous beating. If this is true, would Kalien Firestroke have stood for it? By all accounts, Firestroke was the only player on the team that seemed to be putting real effort into winning the game. Inquisitor Franz Kramer:
It is my belief that the Eataine Excelsiors threw the 2498 SPIKE! MAGAZINE tournament in exchange for drug money from the Stench. Looking over the books, it appears that the Skaven team left their placement game against the Excelsiors without any of the money they would have earned for that game, while the High Elves books show an increase of exactly the same amount. Given Herr Firestroke's haughty demeanor, I would expect that his teammates left him out of "their little secret", knowing that he would never allow himself to be seen as a second rate Blood Bowl player, regardless of the price. When Kalien found out about the fix and threatened to tell the press… Well, this is just speculation…
Speculation, indeed. But how far off the mark? The facts are that the Excelsiors, in their first Winter season game, matched against a new Dark Elf team called "The Shadow of Naggaroth". Minutes before the game began, Vaul, the Excelsiors' kicker and main "hit man", was carted off to jail on trumped up drug charges. Apparently, the High Elf lineman was dragged away screaming, "Kalien! I've got to speak to Kalien!" Kalien Firestroke, although apparently suffering from dizzy spells early in the game, managed to score twice in the first half, before being knocked to the ground by a brutal hit from Shadow blitzer Jeremiah.
Two minutes later, the High Elf apothecary pronounced Kalien Firestroke dead of internal hemorrhaging. After the game, an autopsy confirmed that the late receiver's internal organs were in fine shape, but traces of an as yet unknown poison were found in his bloodstream and around a scratch on the Lion Warrior's cheek. Cenerial, the apothecary, claims that he was not present for the initial diagnosis, and that whoever pronounced Kalien's dead at half time was an imposter using some "illusory" power.
So the question remains: Who killed SPIKE! MAGAZINE's Player of the Year, and why? Was it simply an ambitious Dark Elf player looking to make the headlines? Was it one of the young Lion Warrior's scores of jilted lovers? Or was it someone on the inside, someone who wants the truth to remain hidden? We may never know, but we can be certain of one thing… Something Smelled at the SPIKE! Cup. With a closing remark, we have Vaul, recently cleared of all charges and still guarding the line for the Excelsiors:
Kalien was a genius. He brought something to the game that this team never had before: integrity. Unfortunately, I think he was the only one on the team who had any. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I swear, Kalien, I'm going to find out who is responsible, whether it's Jeremiah, Morvael, Phaedrus, or the whole reeking Stench, and I'm going to send them to Hell to meet you.
"Handy" Hans Sprenger,
SPIKE! reporter.